Learning about your wife's affair is one of the most life challenging events you’ll ever have to deal with. The emotions ans pain that you will have to deal with will be more then you think you can handle.
Darlene found that the shock left her feeling totally suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn’t see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn’t visualize surviving the infidelity.
“After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn’t get over the emotions of hate, shock, anger, fear and utter betrayal.
I really hated everyone for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know who to turn to. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my relationship or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.
I felt so empty, half dead, completely humiliated, beaten and betrayed and found I just couldn’t move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track”
Because of the emotional roller coaster cheating puts marriage through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.
This process is always difficult at first. If the marriage is to be saved both spouses need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to communicate in the early days when neither party is capable of accepting any form of practical discussion.
The cheated partner will want direct answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were cheating with, did it mean anything and for how long it had been taking place. They need to know why they weren’t enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of dialogue and before they can make any progress when it comes to surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.
Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to see further then the infidelity itself, not knowing if their spouse still loves them and feeling totally worthless and vulnerable. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those beginning is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.
Most people do not have the abilities to work through their issues without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the marriage needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.
Having said that, after the initial surprise and once feelings have settled down the most critical thing to do is to talk, listen and try and find out what has gone wrong, why it happened and how to move on. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.
That is why spending time learning how to control your feelings and trying to understand the situation from your partner’s point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage.
It is during this stage that you will find out why this situation happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.
As with most marital issues time is on your side and with good communication is critical.
Darlene found that the shock left her feeling totally suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn’t see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn’t visualize surviving the infidelity.
“After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn’t get over the emotions of hate, shock, anger, fear and utter betrayal.
I really hated everyone for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know who to turn to. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my relationship or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.
I felt so empty, half dead, completely humiliated, beaten and betrayed and found I just couldn’t move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track”
Because of the emotional roller coaster cheating puts marriage through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.
This process is always difficult at first. If the marriage is to be saved both spouses need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to communicate in the early days when neither party is capable of accepting any form of practical discussion.
The cheated partner will want direct answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were cheating with, did it mean anything and for how long it had been taking place. They need to know why they weren’t enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of dialogue and before they can make any progress when it comes to surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.
Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to see further then the infidelity itself, not knowing if their spouse still loves them and feeling totally worthless and vulnerable. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those beginning is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.
Most people do not have the abilities to work through their issues without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the marriage needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.
Having said that, after the initial surprise and once feelings have settled down the most critical thing to do is to talk, listen and try and find out what has gone wrong, why it happened and how to move on. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.
That is why spending time learning how to control your feelings and trying to understand the situation from your partner’s point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage.
It is during this stage that you will find out why this situation happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.
As with most marital issues time is on your side and with good communication is critical.